The Chase

I'm no writer.  This will probably be the messiest, most disorganized, off topic blog you have ever read.... but maybe, just maybe it will reach just one person who is going through something similar. You are not alone.... 

Everyone has a story to tell, however mine doesn't seem to have an ending.  I've been battling addiction for twenty-three years and still don't have all the answers.  My counselor suggested starting a blog.  If it doesn't help me maybe it will help someone else who is going driving through the bumpy addiction highway.  I wont bore you with every detail of my screwed up adolescence, but I will tell you this.... AT the age of twelve I was already drinking, smoking pot and dropping acid.  By fourteen I was a full fledged heroin addict. I entered my first detox facility at eighteen years old. Addiction is a generational curse in my family and continues to rear it's ugly head over and over again.  For those of you who have never seen or been through opiate addiction, it's a nasty experience.  The physical withdrawal from lack of the drug let alone will drive you to suicide.  The first time I ever experienced the devilish opiate high, I fell in love.  I have always had bad social anxiety and panic disorder.  Heroin made it possible for me to be, what I thought, was myself.  I was able to interact with false confidence and talk to people without being a nervous wreck.  It quickly became my drug of choice and an everyday thing.  At fifteen I experienced my first case of withdrawals.  At the time I wasn't sure what it was.  I just knew every bone in my body ached and all I could think about was getting another foil wrapped present from the dope-man.  Although I stayed clean for a few weeks, my relapse wasn't far away.  I began using a needle at the age of seventeen. This was my biggest mistake yet.  The rush was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  The preparation, the smell of the metal spoon heating up, the blood drawing into the needle as I pulled back the plunger, assuring myself that I found the perfect vein.... I had fallen in love all over again.  I began doing anything and everything to afford my habit.  I moved to Atlanta, Georgia where I began boosting cars and robbing stores for items to be fenced.  I became someone I hated.  At nineteen I weighed 76 lbs and losing more weight everyday.  It wasn't long before I landed myself in jail on two counts of auto theft.  This was my chance to start over.  Upon my release I came back to Florida and stayed clean.  My boyfriend of six years also cleaned up and I became pregnant in February of 2000.  When I reached eight weeks pregnant, baby daddy number one was arrested for violation of probation and since I could not afford our efficiency alone, I moved in with a co-worker who quickly became my new lover.  My fear of being alone always had me in one relationship or the other.  I had my first baby girl, Cierra Nichole, in December of 2000.  I had a new love in my life and I thought this was going to be my happily ever after.   I became pregnant only weeks after having Cierra with baby daddy number two (the co-worker/new lover).  This pregnancy came with a lot of medical issues and it didn't take long for me to relapse due to the pain.  I was told there was no safe way to detox while pregnant (which I know now was a lie) and I signed up for the methadone clinic..... the second biggest mistake of my life.  I stayed on methadone for a few years, and gained a total of 133 pounds. 

Standing in the legal dope line every morning and over medicating myself with this horrible drug.  Because methadone stays active in your system for so long, it is twice as hard to get off of.  But I somehow managed to detox off of 250 mg a day, without dying.  By this time baby daddy number two was no longer in the picture and I had already moved in with, soon to be, baby daddy number three.  I stayed clean until I gave birth to my third child in 2003.  While giving birth I was administered and epidermal which caused nerve damage to my back.  I was put on opiates for pain... which began a whole new addiction.  Since the pill mill epidemic was not yet in sight, pain pills such as Lortabs and Vicodin were easy to come by.  I eventually landed myself back at the methadone clinic where I stayed for three more years. December of 2006 I moved to Fort Walton, Florida with baby daddy number two and in February of 2007 I checked into The Life Change Institute for Women, Created by Bishop Hilliard of The NewLight Christian Center in Texas.  This was my first spiritual experience. It was one of the best (sober) times of my life.  I felt free and close to "Jesus".  At the time I felt on top of the world and no one could take that away.  I returned to Fort Walton where I began to work as an overnight gas station clerk.  I loved my new job, my new friends and my new found love for Christ.  But the pressures of fitting in and my social anxiety disorder eventually lead me to a new addiction.  I began drinking at a local bar called Hellen Back along with my co-worker and best friend.  My

drinking quickly became out of control and I began attending the bar before coming to work at night.  I was living the life of a single twenty-one year old instead of a thirty-six year old, mother of three.  It didn't take long for me to create myself another child by yet another father.  Although this man was honest, loving and amazing, our relationship was not going in the right direction to become a family.  We quickly split up and I landed myself back in Orlando, Florida, living with baby daddy number three.  It didn't take long before I began running with my old crowd.  Long story short, I ended up back at the methadone clinic. Only this time I added a new drug to the equation.... Xanax.  For those of you who don't know, methadone and Xanax are a deadly combination.  At this time, I knew there was no way I could take care of another baby.  I couldn't even take care of the ones I had.  I decided that adoption was my only option.  I picked out a loving couple, Steve and Melody.  They reminded me so much of that perfect couple, still stuck in the 80's.  I involved them in every appointment and every aspect of my pregnancy.  I wanted Melody to experience the whole thing with me since she was unable to have children. During a routine sonogram, the OBGYN informed us that the baby (Sophia) would most likely be born with Dwarfism.  I just knew this had to be my fault.  I thought to myself, if only I had stayed clean.  I began heavily over medicating myself. It became so bad, I was forced into a rehab in Plantation, Florida, that specialized in detoxing pregnant women.  Although I tried to leave after the first few days, I ended up staying the twenty-eight days and gave birth in September of 2008, to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Well, what we though was a healthy baby girl... but that's a story for another time. Since giving birth to Sophia, I have been in and out of recovery, relapsed over and over again, and haven't had more than a year or two of clean time.  In September of 2010 I married my husband, Timothy.  And although we have both made our mistakes, he has stuck by me through this crazy life.  I can't count how many times I have relapsed since we have been      together.  Yet he is still here.  I wish I could say my story has a happy ending.  I wish I could tell you that I had some major epiphany and am a recovered addict..... but this is real life.  I struggle every day with addiction.  Some days I wake up feeling great, other days it takes everything in me not to use.  My life is still a mess... but I can say this:
Just for today, I am clean and clear minded.... Just for today I will share my story with other in hopes that it saves one person from making the same mistakes I did.... Just for today I will be strong, not only for myself but for my husband who has stood by me no matter how messy things got..... Just for today I will enjoy the little things that seem to brighten my day.... Just for today I can say NO to things that will jeopardize my recovery.